STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS – the FilmBlogCentral SPOILER FREE review!

Star_Wars_The_Force_Awakens

After 32 years since the release of Return of the Jedi, and following three widely hated prequels, can a new Star Wars movie possibly live up to expectations and satisfy the hordes of fans wanting to relive cherished memories in a galaxy far, far away?

Star Wars: The Force Awakens provides the answer. And it’s a glorious, resounding “yes!”.

Actually, wait. Is that a spoiler? Let me back up a bit. I don’t want to give even the slightest hint of what this remarkable film…shit, I mean, this possibly-remarkable-maybe-but-maybe-not film (wink) has in store for my fellow diehard Star Wars fans. You must go into this movie knowing as little as possible, and as FilmBlogCentral’s editor-in-chief, I promise this review will provide next to no useful information about the movie whatsoever.

So, let me just vaguely assure you: The Force Awakens is everything you were hoping it would be!

…Let me take that back. That’s a little too close to spoiler territory. I mean, you don’t want to know what you hope it will be is what it actually is, do you? What if you correctly hoped that the big twist is that it turns out Luke Skywalker is actually…oops! Jeez, I can’t believe I nearly spoiled that! You all would have killed me!

Man, this is tricky. Okay, let’s start again. The Force Awakens is a movie, I can safely tell you that. I suppose I can also confirm the Force plays a role, which should be pretty obvious. What else, what else… Well, there are men in it, but also women.

No, too spoilery. There may or may not be both men and women in it. Of course the mountain of trailers and commercials and pre-release clips has completely spoiled this aspect of the film, but if you’ve successfully managed to avoid it all, I don’t want to be the one who ruins the mystery!

Are there wookies, too? Are there droids? Lightsabers?! Maybe! Again, I don’t want to get too specific, but let’s just say if there are, they are all totally and completely awesome!

No, that’s too close to spoiler-land. Let’s not say that. Let’s say they’re possibly in there, and if they are they could potentially be awesome, but also possibly not awesome, or maybe they’re not in the movie at all. But believe me when I tell you that they are maybe not possibly awesome.

Okay, how about this. In the interest of getting deeper into why I think this is the best movie ever made – wait, shit, why I maybe think that it is, if I think anything about it at all – I will end the spoiler-free portion of this review here, and delve into heavy spoilery specifics in the part that follows. I warn you, I’m going to get into REALLY detailed plot analysis! DO NOT read past this point until you see the movie!

FINAL WARNING: SPOILERS FOLLOW FROM HERE, DO NOT LOOK PAST THIS POINT!

…Okay, is everyone gone? Surely no one’s still reading this, right? Because I have a confession to make. I haven’t seen The Force Awakens. There’s a damn spoiler warning for your ass: the guy running a film review blog that gets approximately 2.6 views a month didn’t get invited to a press screening! Shocker!

No no, let’s not give him a break, a small chance at actually attracting respectable traffic and cementing his tiny but informative and worthwhile film review blog as a must-visit destination for all cinephiles on the web. God forbid.

You fuckers know how hard it is to make a film review blog successful these days? I poured my life into this bullshit. I devote every hour of my day to giving you the thoughtful, cultured opinions you’re looking for on all the big hit movies. I don’t have a “day job.” This is my day job. I’m fucking broke. You know what I ate yesterday? Raccoon. Honest to God. I captured a raccoon that was digging through my garbage and ate the fucking thing. That was my lunch and dinner. With every bite, all I could think about is whether the raccoon ate the week-old armadillo leftovers I threw out the day before, and if this meant by proxy I was now eating it too, and now I’m really afraid I might have contracted leprosy and/or salmonella.

Do you think I can afford to deal with leprosy? I can’t fucking afford corn flakes. So yes, I lied about seeing The Force Awakens. I saw my opportunity to drum up some traffic, and I took it. If that makes me a monster, well then I guess I’m a monster. You think I care? I might be dead from poisonous raccoon/armadillo hybrid meat in a week, I don’t give a shit about anything anymore. You wanna give me shit about it? You can do it when I see you in hell.

SPOILER PORTION OF REVIEW OVER, YOU CAN SAFELY CONTINUE READING!

So, there you have it, dear readers! The Force Awakens is rated PG-13 for sci-fi action violence and hits theaters on Friday. In the meanwhile, how about clicking on one of the 26 ads surrounding this page? I could really use the referral revenue.

Seriously, please.

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