New Year’s Resolutions

  • Learn how to play a musical instrument.
  • Make enemies.
  • Enact the ancient, dark ritual of a lost civilization said to allow one to devour the soul of an enemy.

  • Become the first human/animal hybrid pet owner. Name this almost-certainly-pitiful creature “Corky.”
  • Command a fortress with guards chanting “All We Own, We Owe” outside.
  • Know what it feels like to hold the life of an innocent in my hands. I won’t take it – no, I just want to feel what it would be like to know that I could. Ideally, my target should remain blissfully unaware of their mortal danger.
  • Deliver a letter to someone. Who? Who cares! What letter? Doesn’t matter! Everyone loves receiving mysterious letters delivered by a stranger!
  • Spend one day switching lives with a Wall Street bigwig. Enjoy sitting at his absurdly decadent mahogany desk. Make passionate love to his wife. Teach his children an important life lesson. Make his family wish I was him after I leave.
  • Host a cooking segment on a late-night talk show. Preferably Letterman before he retires. (Related: Learn how to cook a splendid mushroom asparagus quiche.)
  • Save the life of someone who doesn’t deserve it. A willing participant of recent ethnic cleansing who was about to be struck by a truck, as just one example. Make them feel the excruciating, psychically-rending guilt of knowing their early and violent death would have been natural justice, but nature has now been cheated.
  • Found a vertically-integrated disruptive media conglomerate with innovative native-advertising potential.
  • Become the friendly, trusted barkeep of a local watering hole. Listen to my patrons’ life problems; damaged people, who have burned too many bridges and are desperate for human companionship. Realize one of my regulars for the past four months no longer comes in, and wonder, now and then, on lonely nights, what became of him.
  • Discover an unpublished short story from a famous deceased writer that reveals their secret racism. Blackmail estate for a very large sum of money.
  • Negotiate a hostage situation. (Note to self: Should outcome be specific? Maybe make this two resolutions, one for a successful negotiation, one deliberately unsuccessful?)
  • Capture the sound of laughter in a bottle. Convince NASA to jettison the bottle into outer space, where it will forever travel the infinite expanse of the majestic cosmos. Whatever becomes of Earth, our laughter will live on.
  • Be rejected by the person I’m sure is the love of my life. Allow myself to feel that acute sorrow, wholly and completely; it is the only way to know this isn’t all a dream or hallucination. That I really am alive, and life is pain.
  • Re-play The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, but this time creating one of those ugly reptile-people characters. Name him “Corky,” in tribute to my beloved, tragic pet reptile/human hybrid forged from grossly immoral scientific hubris.
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