Republican Candidates Only Just Now Learn What Rape Is

Or: This is Me Pretending to Write for The Onion (see horribly dated past example here).

AP Photo: Richard Mourdock expresses quiet shock as he’s told what rape actually is.

BNS News – In the wake of another Republican congressional candidate making a highly controversial comment about rape, pregnancy, and abortion, it turns out there’s a simple explanation for this weirdly recurring influx of boneheaded remarks: many Republicans don’t actually know what rape is.

“Wait, it means what?!” exclaimed Richard Mourdock, Republican candidate for U.S. Senate in Indiana, moments after being informed that rape is the brutal and violent crime of forced sexual intercourse. “Are you sure? Jesus, seriously? People do that? That is completely awful.”

Mourdock was thrust into controversy when he said during a debate Tuesday that, “even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.” It was a seemingly indefensible statement, insinuating that God somehow preordains rape and therefore abortions in these cases should not be permitted. But, no, in fact Mourdock was simply mistaken.

“I swear, truly, that I thought rape was just like…you know, when a man makes love to a woman consensually, but like from behind,” Mourdock explained, visibly uncomfortable to be talking about such things. “I mean, yes, that kind of intercourse is horrible and I don’t condone it, but now that I know what it really means, I see that what I said was completely, utterly stupid.”

Mourdock’s ridiculous comment echoed an earlier stupid statement from another Republican Senate candidate, Todd Akin, who said in a debate in August that a woman’s body was capable of prohibiting pregnancy during a “legitimate rape.” There were calls immediately for Akin to drop out of the Senate race in Missouri, which Akin has refused to heed. But it turns out, again, that Akin was simply misinformed.

“Oh my goodness gracious. No, I just thought it was when a man and woman make love, but the woman is on top and, like, turned around, you know, so her back is facing the man’s face? I don’t want to get too graphic here,” Akin said. “When I was told what it actually is, I immediately saw that everyone who told me I should drop out were completely correct, and I will do so immediately, as any decent person having said what I said would.”

How can it be that grown men don’t know what such a serious crime actually entails? Ironically, it turns out it began with never being exposed to proper sex education, which many Republicans want banned from public schools. And somehow, the ignorance just continued as they aged.

“Listen, whenever anyone starts talking about whoopee-making, I usually just plug my ears and start humming ‘Amazing Grace,'” Mourdock said, to the surprise of no one.

“I mean, come on – what is this, USA Network?,” he continued. “We keep things PG around here. But I now see how that habit has horribly, horribly backfired on me.”

BNS News will continue to call other Republican congressional candidates to make sure they all actually know what rape is, and will update as this story develops.

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